So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
