My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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