Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
