Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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