she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
