this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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