drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
