Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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