based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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