i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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