funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
