am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
