I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I cannot find my penis.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
