hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
