my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
