I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
