i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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