True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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