ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
