yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
