Your mouth is God's brothel.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
