wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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