True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm always down for nudity.
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