I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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