I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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