Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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