Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
