Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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