hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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