If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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