Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
