I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
