I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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