Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
