Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
