i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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