im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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