I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
