found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
