I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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