Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
