Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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