tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
