i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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