You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
