You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Randomize
