just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
