one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
