People in love make me want to vomit
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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