True but thats because hes a fetus.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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