I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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