have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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