My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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