You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
