I think my fart just growled at me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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