My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
