I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
