Pappa wants mamma naked
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So here I am, sexting at work.
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