hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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