my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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