I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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