Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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